My journey from control to surrender

| Shared Thought by Racheeta Nayak |

Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still."

The concept of being "Still" was foreign to a "Control freak" like me but not for long.

Here’s my journey from control to surrender. It's the day before my last surgery and I've just found out that I will be induced a general anaesthetic drug called ketamine for the procedure that will aid in deep sleep. This was different because the previous 2 surgeries were done under spinal anaesthesia where I did not fully lose my consciousness . My pulse rate went high because of anxiety; it wasn't the fear of pain that made me nervous but just the thought that I would lose control of myself . I wasted hours watching videos of people losing consciousness, the fear of the unknown, of being alone lost in myself in a space where it's just me and darkness crippled me.

I've never fainted in my life, I almost did once but I remember controlling it. Just a few more hours left now for the surgery to start and I’m on anti-anxiety medication. I couldn’t take it any longer so I called unto to the Lord and He answered me.

He comforted me through songs that gave me strength . 'Oh my soul' and 'Just be held' by Casting crowns, ' I will fear no more ' by The Afters that spoke straight to my heart are a few of them.

The surgery was scheduled for 8:45 am and as I was wheeled into the OT, I knew who I was taking along with me. I told Papa ( God ) that I choose to trust him; I'm leaving my control into His hands alone. I asked Him to hold my hand throughout the procedure. I was excited to experience something new as the doctors prayed and started and as soon as I started losing my consciousness, I remember walking through the corridors of a large safe house with high walls, something like a refuge during wars. It was huge like a palace and I walked every corner of that place.

I thought I would blabber nonsense under the effect of the drug but my mother said I was silent throughout the procedure. It took half an hour to complete. When I woke up, I felt immense love and joy like something consuming me. I smiled because I knew that as I was walking through the corridors of the refuge, it was GOD OUT THERE FIGHTING MY BATTLE FOR ME.

We think we have surrendered all to Jesus but we still love to control certain parts of our lives. Is it because we feel He's not trustworthy? Or is it just our pride that's holding us back from surrendering? I'm not the type who would hide in a refuge when there is a battle. I used to think it's a cowardly act, but I realised that sometimes it is best to Be still and know that he is God. So LET GO and LET GOD .