The Dark Road

| Testimony by Racheeta Nayak |

Psalm 139:11-12

I could ask the darkness to hide me or the light around me to turn into night, but even darkness is not dark for you, and the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are the same to you. Do you know how it feels being Consumed by darkness? I have, and here’s my story.

Born and brought up in a God fearing environment alone did not promise a blameless life for a rebel like me. The boundaries that were set to protect me from the lust of this world felt like prison bars. Everything went downhill once I completed my schooling because then I had every opportunity to explore the world outside. That’s when I got my first phone, made a bunch of new friends that eventually ruined my mental health, moved into a new city, tried dangerous things just because I was curious .

Now I know why Apostle Paul does not say to crawl or walk away but to FLEE from sin. I saw my boundaries slowly fading when I allowed sin to creep in. At one point, I felt absolutely no connection with God. There was an entire year when I did not go to a church or pray because my life was an utter mess. I remember identifying myself as an atheist. Soon suicidal thoughts started troubling me. The guilt of being a horrible daughter, a disgrace to my mother haunted me so much I wanted to end my life. I pretended as though I was doing well each time I spoke to her but one midnight I ran towards the main road in the hope of a lorry running me over because the voices in my head were too loud. I wanted it to end .

Realization dawned on me like it dawned on the lost prodigal son in the Bible. I knew I was far away from home consumed by darkness but didn't know my way back. The night I almost took my life, I made a prayer with long pauses in the midst of the chaos. I said “God, I feel nothing. I don’t know what I’m doing. I know I’m lost. Help me”

Just this much, and days later I lost the people, the things that were holding me back from returning home. The day this happened I felt like tons of weight lifted off my chest. I still remember walking into the MCC EU fellowship with tears running down my cheeks hoping for a new start.

I made new friends that helped me restore the relationship I had with God. I watched God restore my life. Ezekiel 36:16-38 This passage where God talks about restoring Israel is so close to my heart it reminds me that I am saved by Grace alone. Each time I read the word “I WILL” in this passage, tears run down my cheeks . There are so many lost youngsters like me and it breaks my heart when I look into their eyes, because I see myself there.

There was a road just in front of my apartment that had no lights. It was pitch dark and just the sight of it was unsettling. Whenever I think about how I got saved, I picture myself standing at the centre of that pitch dark road and thinking to myself “God saw me standing there, where no eyes could see “. He did not just see me, he was right next to me even though I felt nothing. Those same eyes that saw my sin looked on me with love and rescued me, he did not give up on me.

He is “El Roi”, he’s the same God who spoke into the darkness and created the Light, the same God who saw Hagar in the wilderness, the same God who is still standing with open arms to receive every lost child like the father of the prodigal son . Dear beloved, I was lost and now I am found, was blind but now I see .